Desire and the internet

Today's realisation, how much it's possible to live in the world of desire rather than the real world. Especially online. It makes me think I need to dress a certain way, have a certain type of lifestyle. I'm sure this comes from insecurity, but up to now it's blinded me. I couldn't even see how much I was being duped. I'm guessing this is a bit of the path to releasing the day job I. Some how my sense of all this is shifting, that I don't need all this stuff, and I can live the way I choose. Who cares if society feels judgemental about it. Really that's society's problem not mine.

Some time ago, I had a dream of sorts, and I was a polar bear who loved in the forest - don't ask me why it was a dream after all! And the bear had two choices, to live in the town, where the food was plentiful, but always stressful. There was the risk of being shot at, but the bins were always full of rubbish to be plundered. It wasn't a healthy life but there was food. It seemed secure but really wasn't. The other choice was to live in the woods, peacefully, with little stress. Nature would provide, and although times could be hard it was a more healthy and contented life. The bear could always venture down to the town if it really needed to, and then retreat back to nature as quickly as possible.

I feel as that bear. That I can live a life with seeming plenty but very stressfully, or live wild and free. It seems so logical, if only I could unstick myself.  Maybe this is another thread breaking.

Counter culture meets the mainstream

Hello again from sunny Kent, and it has been really hot here. In truth a bit too hot for snow loving folks such as myself.

So I'm wilting.  But it's festival season, so at least I've been wilting in a field. Hubby has been selling his jewellery, which is quirky, so goes down well at festivals. So it's been good. Especially since we now have a glamorous (2nd hand, pre-painted) bell tent!

The thing about festivals is the great meeting of mainstream culture with counter culture. It exposes the mainstream to the other ways to see the world. And oh how I have forgotten the counter culture - I have been living in the mainstream for too long, and started to believe its myths. Oh dear. How did that happen?

And I wonder how deep into the counter culture I could go ..... could I give up my job .... could I give up working conventionally completely .... could I travel from festival to festival? What is keeping me in the mainstream, except habit? I'm not sure I have a good answer to that. Definitely worried about justifying my choices to everyone else, about being seen - even just writing this stuff of a blog that no-one reads is scary enough. But thinking about actually letting go, I feel a sense of relief. Right now I'm oscillating between feeling excited that a different way might be possible, and talking myself out of this foolishness. I don't know whether this will come to anything or not. But the idea is seeding at least, and I'm glad for that.

So here are a few more pictures from Womad & a few from Latitude.

Facing the fear / why I am not following my dreams

Today. Today has been one of those challenging work days when you wonder why you're doing it at all.


And then I wonder, why I am doing it at all?

I mean really, what's holding me back from being a super-healer, creative, artist writing type (which I kind of am, but just in my head, not in the actual real world!)

So what is the problem?

Money?

Just lately I had some inheritance (I am very grateful for this, as it was quite unexpected, but it's a shame that your loved ones have to leave for it to arrive, so it's tinged with sadness too). Anyway, this means we have paid off our mortgage and car loan, and we are healthily in the black. So it can't be the money.

Or can it? There's definitely something in this. After all my inner gremlin is still saying the money won't last for ever / you can't make money from these things.....

But that just isn't true! Lots of people are making money from the arts. I can too. What's needed here is belief. Self-belief. It is possible and possible for me, and hopefully you too. Somehow asserting this truth seems significant, and the energy at the moment is supporting BIG PLANS. My big plan is to be living comfortably of the proceeds of my creativity & alternative skills.

Focus?
Up to now I've always considered myself a Jack of all trades, Master of none. And this has certainly been a problem in the past. I'm quite faddish, jumping from one interest to the next. But I've learnt to accept that's the way I am. I am progressing all my interests. And that feels just fine. I'm not sure which will come to fruition. Hopefully all of them! At the moment I'm following them all.

Having a run up?
This still seems like a good idea. Growing all my projects to have a multi-stream income. There are lots of books about this sort of thing. The main thing is to be be doing things everyday towards those plans - even if it's just pondering ....

Ability?
I guess self confidence in our abilities is key. It's hard to get perspective on your own work, so be brave and put it out there. This year I have exhibited my photos for the first time. And it was a great experience. People I didn't know actually bought my pictures. And even those that didn't were very complementary. I would encourage anyone to try this out - I did Open Studios, so we opened our house up to visitors. It was a good first step, and I feel braver as a result. Etsy here I come.

So this is where my thinking is at the minute. It's a start. Hopefully it will continue a bit, at least!

Refinding my voice & cat tales

Tentatively starting to blog again.

Finding my new voice.

Much has changed since my posts of old, some good, some heartbreak. I'm sure I'm not alone in that. Time seems to bring all manner of change, ready or not.

Certainly there has been a fair amount of grief. Even writing that down I want to press the delete key. Not sure how visible I really want to be.

But for now I will keep writing.

Today I have been up to Ightham, listening to the tennis, fuzzily on AM. I had forgotten it even existed! I was happily befriended by the local cat, who started following me around, until some other lady picked her up, the cat grimacing! The match was close - Wimbledon men's finals. Even the fuzzy sound (so strange in this modern world with pin sharp listening) could not mask the commentators excitement.

On the way home, sweet peas.

I am pondering how to move from the sensible world, to the creative world - as if that somehow isn't sensible??? Surely it's sensible to align with your heart-direction? Still a lifetime of sound advice needs unpicking here. I may have to visit Andrea's unsticking station. I'm finding various people helpful on my quest. See in the sidebar for some links.

So far I have worked out that

• I need to plan for creativity, or rather, my creativity needs processing time before I am ready to go.
• I like to be working on my own.
• The housework needs to be done, otherwise I will be distracted.

I have also noticed that self care is crucial. All this weekend, an actual FREE weekend, has been taken up decompressing from the working world. Better self care is required!!!! Particularly,

• Eating breakfast, and eating healthily
• Getting enough sleep
• Walking (a lot) in green spaces
• Being away from people. (I like people, but being a super-sensitive sort of person, I also need lots of time away from other people's thoughts too).
• Nice baths after travelling (I do a lot of travelling for work - it grounds me back in the here and now).

So here is the beginning of a manifesto of sorts. I'm not sure how long this road will be, and make no promises for consistency. But it's a start at least :)

Starting again

Seems like I'm starting again. With the blog and maybe with life too.  All that creativity that has been kept squished within wants to surface. I'm not sure where that's going to lead but it will good to find out!

Bear with me while I fiddle with the design too. Some work to do on it, but blogger doesn't seem to be very iPad friendly. More changes soon!