Facing the fear / why I am not following my dreams

Today. Today has been one of those challenging work days when you wonder why you're doing it at all.


And then I wonder, why I am doing it at all?

I mean really, what's holding me back from being a super-healer, creative, artist writing type (which I kind of am, but just in my head, not in the actual real world!)

So what is the problem?

Money?

Just lately I had some inheritance (I am very grateful for this, as it was quite unexpected, but it's a shame that your loved ones have to leave for it to arrive, so it's tinged with sadness too). Anyway, this means we have paid off our mortgage and car loan, and we are healthily in the black. So it can't be the money.

Or can it? There's definitely something in this. After all my inner gremlin is still saying the money won't last for ever / you can't make money from these things.....

But that just isn't true! Lots of people are making money from the arts. I can too. What's needed here is belief. Self-belief. It is possible and possible for me, and hopefully you too. Somehow asserting this truth seems significant, and the energy at the moment is supporting BIG PLANS. My big plan is to be living comfortably of the proceeds of my creativity & alternative skills.

Focus?
Up to now I've always considered myself a Jack of all trades, Master of none. And this has certainly been a problem in the past. I'm quite faddish, jumping from one interest to the next. But I've learnt to accept that's the way I am. I am progressing all my interests. And that feels just fine. I'm not sure which will come to fruition. Hopefully all of them! At the moment I'm following them all.

Having a run up?
This still seems like a good idea. Growing all my projects to have a multi-stream income. There are lots of books about this sort of thing. The main thing is to be be doing things everyday towards those plans - even if it's just pondering ....

Ability?
I guess self confidence in our abilities is key. It's hard to get perspective on your own work, so be brave and put it out there. This year I have exhibited my photos for the first time. And it was a great experience. People I didn't know actually bought my pictures. And even those that didn't were very complementary. I would encourage anyone to try this out - I did Open Studios, so we opened our house up to visitors. It was a good first step, and I feel braver as a result. Etsy here I come.

So this is where my thinking is at the minute. It's a start. Hopefully it will continue a bit, at least!

Refinding my voice & cat tales

Tentatively starting to blog again.

Finding my new voice.

Much has changed since my posts of old, some good, some heartbreak. I'm sure I'm not alone in that. Time seems to bring all manner of change, ready or not.

Certainly there has been a fair amount of grief. Even writing that down I want to press the delete key. Not sure how visible I really want to be.

But for now I will keep writing.

Today I have been up to Ightham, listening to the tennis, fuzzily on AM. I had forgotten it even existed! I was happily befriended by the local cat, who started following me around, until some other lady picked her up, the cat grimacing! The match was close - Wimbledon men's finals. Even the fuzzy sound (so strange in this modern world with pin sharp listening) could not mask the commentators excitement.

On the way home, sweet peas.

I am pondering how to move from the sensible world, to the creative world - as if that somehow isn't sensible??? Surely it's sensible to align with your heart-direction? Still a lifetime of sound advice needs unpicking here. I may have to visit Andrea's unsticking station. I'm finding various people helpful on my quest. See in the sidebar for some links.

So far I have worked out that

• I need to plan for creativity, or rather, my creativity needs processing time before I am ready to go.
• I like to be working on my own.
• The housework needs to be done, otherwise I will be distracted.

I have also noticed that self care is crucial. All this weekend, an actual FREE weekend, has been taken up decompressing from the working world. Better self care is required!!!! Particularly,

• Eating breakfast, and eating healthily
• Getting enough sleep
• Walking (a lot) in green spaces
• Being away from people. (I like people, but being a super-sensitive sort of person, I also need lots of time away from other people's thoughts too).
• Nice baths after travelling (I do a lot of travelling for work - it grounds me back in the here and now).

So here is the beginning of a manifesto of sorts. I'm not sure how long this road will be, and make no promises for consistency. But it's a start at least :)

Starting again

Seems like I'm starting again. With the blog and maybe with life too.  All that creativity that has been kept squished within wants to surface. I'm not sure where that's going to lead but it will good to find out!

Bear with me while I fiddle with the design too. Some work to do on it, but blogger doesn't seem to be very iPad friendly. More changes soon!