Desire and the internet

Today's realisation, how much it's possible to live in the world of desire rather than the real world. Especially online. It makes me think I need to dress a certain way, have a certain type of lifestyle. I'm sure this comes from insecurity, but up to now it's blinded me. I couldn't even see how much I was being duped. I'm guessing this is a bit of the path to releasing the day job I. Some how my sense of all this is shifting, that I don't need all this stuff, and I can live the way I choose. Who cares if society feels judgemental about it. Really that's society's problem not mine.

Some time ago, I had a dream of sorts, and I was a polar bear who loved in the forest - don't ask me why it was a dream after all! And the bear had two choices, to live in the town, where the food was plentiful, but always stressful. There was the risk of being shot at, but the bins were always full of rubbish to be plundered. It wasn't a healthy life but there was food. It seemed secure but really wasn't. The other choice was to live in the woods, peacefully, with little stress. Nature would provide, and although times could be hard it was a more healthy and contented life. The bear could always venture down to the town if it really needed to, and then retreat back to nature as quickly as possible.

I feel as that bear. That I can live a life with seeming plenty but very stressfully, or live wild and free. It seems so logical, if only I could unstick myself.  Maybe this is another thread breaking.

Counter culture meets the mainstream

Hello again from sunny Kent, and it has been really hot here. In truth a bit too hot for snow loving folks such as myself.

So I'm wilting.  But it's festival season, so at least I've been wilting in a field. Hubby has been selling his jewellery, which is quirky, so goes down well at festivals. So it's been good. Especially since we now have a glamorous (2nd hand, pre-painted) bell tent!

The thing about festivals is the great meeting of mainstream culture with counter culture. It exposes the mainstream to the other ways to see the world. And oh how I have forgotten the counter culture - I have been living in the mainstream for too long, and started to believe its myths. Oh dear. How did that happen?

And I wonder how deep into the counter culture I could go ..... could I give up my job .... could I give up working conventionally completely .... could I travel from festival to festival? What is keeping me in the mainstream, except habit? I'm not sure I have a good answer to that. Definitely worried about justifying my choices to everyone else, about being seen - even just writing this stuff of a blog that no-one reads is scary enough. But thinking about actually letting go, I feel a sense of relief. Right now I'm oscillating between feeling excited that a different way might be possible, and talking myself out of this foolishness. I don't know whether this will come to anything or not. But the idea is seeding at least, and I'm glad for that.

So here are a few more pictures from Womad & a few from Latitude.

Facing the fear / why I am not following my dreams

Today. Today has been one of those challenging work days when you wonder why you're doing it at all.


And then I wonder, why I am doing it at all?

I mean really, what's holding me back from being a super-healer, creative, artist writing type (which I kind of am, but just in my head, not in the actual real world!)

So what is the problem?

Money?

Just lately I had some inheritance (I am very grateful for this, as it was quite unexpected, but it's a shame that your loved ones have to leave for it to arrive, so it's tinged with sadness too). Anyway, this means we have paid off our mortgage and car loan, and we are healthily in the black. So it can't be the money.

Or can it? There's definitely something in this. After all my inner gremlin is still saying the money won't last for ever / you can't make money from these things.....

But that just isn't true! Lots of people are making money from the arts. I can too. What's needed here is belief. Self-belief. It is possible and possible for me, and hopefully you too. Somehow asserting this truth seems significant, and the energy at the moment is supporting BIG PLANS. My big plan is to be living comfortably of the proceeds of my creativity & alternative skills.

Focus?
Up to now I've always considered myself a Jack of all trades, Master of none. And this has certainly been a problem in the past. I'm quite faddish, jumping from one interest to the next. But I've learnt to accept that's the way I am. I am progressing all my interests. And that feels just fine. I'm not sure which will come to fruition. Hopefully all of them! At the moment I'm following them all.

Having a run up?
This still seems like a good idea. Growing all my projects to have a multi-stream income. There are lots of books about this sort of thing. The main thing is to be be doing things everyday towards those plans - even if it's just pondering ....

Ability?
I guess self confidence in our abilities is key. It's hard to get perspective on your own work, so be brave and put it out there. This year I have exhibited my photos for the first time. And it was a great experience. People I didn't know actually bought my pictures. And even those that didn't were very complementary. I would encourage anyone to try this out - I did Open Studios, so we opened our house up to visitors. It was a good first step, and I feel braver as a result. Etsy here I come.

So this is where my thinking is at the minute. It's a start. Hopefully it will continue a bit, at least!

Refinding my voice & cat tales

Tentatively starting to blog again.

Finding my new voice.

Much has changed since my posts of old, some good, some heartbreak. I'm sure I'm not alone in that. Time seems to bring all manner of change, ready or not.

Certainly there has been a fair amount of grief. Even writing that down I want to press the delete key. Not sure how visible I really want to be.

But for now I will keep writing.

Today I have been up to Ightham, listening to the tennis, fuzzily on AM. I had forgotten it even existed! I was happily befriended by the local cat, who started following me around, until some other lady picked her up, the cat grimacing! The match was close - Wimbledon men's finals. Even the fuzzy sound (so strange in this modern world with pin sharp listening) could not mask the commentators excitement.

On the way home, sweet peas.

I am pondering how to move from the sensible world, to the creative world - as if that somehow isn't sensible??? Surely it's sensible to align with your heart-direction? Still a lifetime of sound advice needs unpicking here. I may have to visit Andrea's unsticking station. I'm finding various people helpful on my quest. See in the sidebar for some links.

So far I have worked out that

• I need to plan for creativity, or rather, my creativity needs processing time before I am ready to go.
• I like to be working on my own.
• The housework needs to be done, otherwise I will be distracted.

I have also noticed that self care is crucial. All this weekend, an actual FREE weekend, has been taken up decompressing from the working world. Better self care is required!!!! Particularly,

• Eating breakfast, and eating healthily
• Getting enough sleep
• Walking (a lot) in green spaces
• Being away from people. (I like people, but being a super-sensitive sort of person, I also need lots of time away from other people's thoughts too).
• Nice baths after travelling (I do a lot of travelling for work - it grounds me back in the here and now).

So here is the beginning of a manifesto of sorts. I'm not sure how long this road will be, and make no promises for consistency. But it's a start at least :)

Starting again

Seems like I'm starting again. With the blog and maybe with life too.  All that creativity that has been kept squished within wants to surface. I'm not sure where that's going to lead but it will good to find out!

Bear with me while I fiddle with the design too. Some work to do on it, but blogger doesn't seem to be very iPad friendly. More changes soon!

January Full Moon

Oh dear - how slack have I been? So to set things right a longer post for today. Firstly my new full moon board! This one explores desires for the coming year - and let me tell you I have lots!

So this is my 2011 dreamboard. I'd like to step back and look at what I'm saying to myself (and the world!). Time to acknowledge the spiritual side of myself, and really let it shine - let the fruitfulness of that intention come through fully. Mostly I let my intuition fully guide me - I particularly like how the bird is coming out of the flames - a real rebirth is on the cards this year, with changes at work for Andy & I. Intention was a strong theme too, so I chose to put in one of my own photos and a picture of someone practicing reiki, as these are areas I would really like to put my energy into this year, creating a new more satisfying life for myself and my family. I love the woman in pink, she seems so comfortable with herself, and with veggies to nourish and grow, plenty of words of encouragement and a bit of extra magic I'm loving the new life coming!

I'm also really liking the idea of writing more poetry, and I have two to add today. I'm thinking of one a day, but then again maybe the reality of work and how terrible I am about keeping up to date with this blog (!) maybe I will feel differently when it comes to doing the time!

However, here are two to begin:

Pen

Hold the pen vertical

let gravity do the work

the pen spit-sparts

remnants of the old

dried up

colour

leave snail traceries across the page

then

finally

the pen flows, and

I write on ...

and here's the second:

Fairy Tale - 19th January

The river is on the brink

and I cross magically 

over the brown flood

to my predestined fate.

But not drowning, no

but drowning of sorts

laid on the hospital table

my red nail polish chipped

on my Christmas toes.

This procedure

an attempt at fate-avoidance

fate intervention

fate -

I had always thought of it as a

knowledge of dragons

a meeting with the fisher king

saving some lost knight.

But it turns out mine is

the tiniest gene

that threatens to roar

breathe fire 

scorch my body

at some indeterminate time

(maybe chapter 2 or then again, 10)

and wonder why 

this knowing - 

I who consumed a 1000 fairy tales -

causes me to run with fear.

October Full Moon

Well the October Full Moon has been full on!

First here is my full moon dream board as encouraged by Jamie Ridler:

So - luxury was the theme, and I have been quite surprised by what I experience as luxury. It turns out I'm not a diamonds and pearls girl at all! Lying on the grass in the sunshine is, a comfortable bed - of course - with a pretty cover and a good book, fabric and textiles, patterns, blue skies, stone circles and honey - this is the stuff that I'm made of. I also had to add in ceramics which are a secret favourite, especially stoneware, writing made it in too, poetry, and straw bales - a strange choice maybe, but I spent many happy days playing amongst them as a child - we used to build houses in the barn from the "square" bales - an early expression of creativity - next stop Grand Designs (for those you in the US / Canada - this is a fab UK tv programme that follows folk building their own (real!) houses). I also love the luxury of spiritual unfurling, symbolised by the unfurling fern.

That brings me neatly onto my next full on experience - two days of workshop with Australian Bush Essence hero Ian White - here's the link to the site ABFE booked through Universal Essences. This was a mind blowing introduction to the Light Frequency Essences - for those of you who don't know about them, they're a kind of step on from flower remedies - maybe you've come across FES or know the Bach Flower Remedies. Where as Bach, FES, and the Australian Bush Flower Essences mostly deal with the emotional level, these essences work on the global / higher self - some of them are big essences -  but don't let that put you off - sometimes the world needs big leaps. The essences help you connect with the lands they were made in, and also allow huge shifts in your own spiritual direction. The last couple of days (illuminated by the beautiful full moon) have taken me energetically from Antarctica to China, to Madagascar to Mount Pinatuba. Tears have lead to new certainties, new directions, new frequencies  - I can't wait to see where they will lead!

September Full Moon Dreamboard

So over the summer I did Circe's Circle with Jamie Ridler. The work of that circle is still permeating through my soul, and this is first attempt at a Full Moon Dreamboard. The challenge is "what would you like to build, tend, grow?" and this is the board I have created!

So the things I know about on the page are:
o - real things to grow, like vegetables! and a healthy approach to eating is in there too - I'd definitely like to grow that!!!
o - flowers and beauty
o - relaxation and happiness  isn't it great that all the women are smiling!
o - artistic skills - writing art and crafts and photography of course
o - reading more to nourish my soul!
o - launching into the things I love - that photo of the girl ready to dive is fantastic isn't it!
o - home and nesting
o - healing and meditation
o - and love :o)

I am a healer
I am an artist
I am a writer

Can't wait to see what else emerges!

Tonbridge Kite Festival

The first Sunday in June, and sure enough the kite festival could be found on Tonbridge Sports Ground - as run by my husband Andy with lots of help from all our friends and family.

As the misty morning cleared, the wind gradually increased, until there was enough to get some really beautiful kites in the sky.

This one is hand made by a flyer from Chatham - very pretty!

Andy & our friend Henry set themselves a target of getting 100 kites in the air on one string and here is the result!

It looked fantastic flying, and kept twisting about as if to show off its beauty - and there really were 100 kites on the string!

There were lots of other kites too:

and some support from All Good Fun and Wacky Faces, who kindly turned Andy into The Thing!

At 3pm the heavens opened, and everyone hurtled for cover. We gathered very soggily under a gazebo but there was no going on.

Since then the house has been full of drying kites and you can barely cross the living room! Still - we had a great day - really successful with some fantastic kites. Let's hope next year is even better!

River days

It's the long weekend, and the weather has been - well changeable, with some lovely sunshine. Planted a few more veg on Sunday morning (more photos soon) although the slugs have feasted on my lupins again - really I am never going to see them bloom! Before I progress to the main excitement of the weekend, a couple of cool discoveries: a Canadian who sends out great posts to remind you to love life, be creative etc - here's the link Jamie Ridler Studios and an interesting artist I've found through Jamie's website - Leah Piken Kilidas especially Key to Winter (I love the winter so this one really speaks to me!) and Lantern - sometimes life feels just like this!

Anyway, the main excitement has been CANOEING!!!!! Andy has had to sell his glider, so we went straight to the canoe shop after waving the glider goodbye! Kent Canoes have been really fantastic - at the moment we're borrowing a Easky 15 kayak, and a Wenonah Argosy solo canadian canoe. This apparent unmatched pair has come about because Andy likes to paddle kayaks with a double ended paddle (below) and I love the slow pace of a single paddle and the open canadian (photos of that one soon!).

 Andy's finding his water balance

It has been heaven to be paddling along the watery ways of the Medway. Your pace of life just calms right down. Today we saw a grey heron just 1.5m away, which took off as we drew level - my favourite bird.

The Easky paddles well, but needs a bit of ballast to stabilise it. You use your knees to help turn, but I couldn't get the hang of that at all. Still Andy's happy, so I think this one will be for him - in orange of course!

The Argosy paddles as smooth as coffee through the flat water, but it is quite tippy -  and I can't help feeling on faster water I would end up out of the boat a bit too frequently! It's fine as long as you stay central and nothing happens too quickly - but I can't see that being the case beyond our sedate stretch of the Medway. Also, the ol' ankle wound is a bit uncomfy being knelt on (which is best for boat stability). Still it paddles like a dream and that's quite a strong temptation .... so watch this space for an update. Anyway, here's a quick pic of my attempts to paddle Andy's kayak, and one of the cat too (who may be coping better!) More pics soon. x A

Bluebells, poems & fire

Brief entry today: The utter blue of bluebell woods is upon us, a magical fairy world of sunlight and improbable colour. Seduced by the light, I am draw into the depths of the wood, where the carpet is both continuous under the tree dapple, and fragmented into a thousand individual flowers.

 Bluebell blue, up close

Beyond the woods, on Sunday evening, a vacant building burnt into the sky. 2am shouting, water, a mist of rain, and smoke billowing out over the far houses.

And to finish the up & down poem from Caught by the River: Caught by the River on Amazon  

Loving London

This week a slightly unusual way to spend the election day afternoon - strolling through the streets of London. Unfortunately aside from the reporters outside 10 Downing Street, little was seen to prove the significance of the day.

 

10 Downing Street, election day 2010

 

Our walk started at the Photographers Gallery which has moved to Ramillies Street. Here's the link: Photographers Gallery in London. Most exciting of all was the new polaroid film which is available from the Gallery - "First Flush" is allegedly very temperamental sepia-toned film. Can't wait to start trying it out! Very expensive though :o( There are some experiments already available to view on flickr: Impossible Project Polarid Results on Flickr. 

In Carnaby Street the music festival offered bands in shops, bands in the street and some union jack fashion.

 

From there we ambled down through Golden Square and Piccadilly to St James's Park, where the squirrels were having a field day:

 

before continuing down Westminster, and round to Charing Cross.  Finally I headed home to cast my own vote!